after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
