so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
