It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
