You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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