I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
