Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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