I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
