Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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