Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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