And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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