please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
