I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
