On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
