I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
operation have a gay friend backfired
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
