After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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