Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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