I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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