I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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