I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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