I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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