Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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