Acid is not a monday night drug
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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