I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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