I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
