So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
