You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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