As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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