As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize