her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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