After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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