I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
