There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Pants are for mortals
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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