69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
