I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
