Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
