Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
