I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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