Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
