My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
