Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
