I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
