You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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