i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
