so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
