if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
