I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
