Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
