the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
