I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
