I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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