A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
