My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
