please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
