Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
