There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
