He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
