the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You ruined the universe
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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