my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
