after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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