I just saw a hot homeless man
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
