You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
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I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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